(essay warning omg) genuinely amazing. ts was an assault on my emotions. ts should not be legal. i was either tearing up or about to tear up for the entire last half. maybe im overrating but t20 oat methinks. i literally stopped watching tv for 4 days just to get over ts. [SPOILERS] it’s genuinely taken me a few days to decide how i should start this paragraph. idk bro. this was just so personal and intimate, the uniting factor of major life events / changes caused this to be one of the most emotional and cathartic episodes i’ve ever seen. i absolutely loved how, similar to that one 3x9, the writers used nate’s possible death as a way to bring the family together. this led to a mix of happy and sad scenes in the final half of this episode that would also lead to me sitting absolutely motionless, not breathing or blinking, for thirty minutes, watching every member of the family interact. seeing david + claire smoke pot together, and nate + claire talk about relationships could have easily been in any other episode, but the context surrounding it here made it so beautiful and cathartic to watch. the way the characters avoided nate’s issue, as if their not talking about it prevents it… i don’t know how to write the next sentence bro. trying to enjoy your life during a scary time is something everyone universally understands and those few scenes absolutely exploit that, ESPECIALLY with the fucking family aspect this show comes with. absolutely everyone has lost a family pet, a close relative, etc and has had to have multiple conversations with their family that dodge the topic on everyone’s minds. those scenes genuinely hit so fucking deeply on my first watch. the other scenes that are used to unite the family are painfully depressing. nate creates his pre-need with david. nate confesses to ruth about his condition. most notably, nate cries in his moms arms, sobbing about how he doesn’t want to die. that scene took me out bro. my eyes were not dry from that scene forward. as much as nate has genuinely hated his life this season, the realization that he won’t get to see his mom again, that he hasn’t been appreciating his mom despite how much she cares for him, and that his mom thinks she hasn’t loved him good enough is enough to snap him out of the dissociative lifestyle he’s held since his diagnosis in the season one finale. he finally wants to live, and he’s possibly about to die. then we get into the best scene of the show so far, an absolute beautiful full-circle for nate’s arc. in the final scene of 1x1, nate sees a vision of his dad waving at him in the same bus that killed him. it drives away. realizing something, he stands there, in the middle of the sidewalk, watching person after person walk around him. to me, it literally refers to the fact that he’s allowed everybody to pass him by, due to the way it lines up with the story and the way the scene is shot, showing nate standing still in a crowd of people, giving no reaction. it’s very well known that nate was a very distant son to his parents and siblings, so the idea of him realizing that he’s wasted his life, getting the realization due to his fathers death, makes complete sense. and so, from that moment forward, he starts living, and rekindling the previously lost relationships with his family. season one spends the next twelve episodes letting nate live: he bonds with his family, his relationship with brenda becomes serious, and he finds purpose working with david, helping those in grief. but still, due to his diagnosis, he slowly sinks back throughout season 2, back into his original autopilot mindset. in the final scene of this episode, wearing the same sweat and clothes, nate himself stands in front of the bus, its doors beckoning him to enter, no longer being an outsider looking in on death. now that he’s truly realized from talking with ruth that he needs to live his life, that he should have been living his life, he’s forced to step on the bus himself. he was already given his chance to live, and he wastes it at the end. understanding his mistake, he sits in his hospital bed, staring at death. in the final shot, we watch from a distance, the same way nate did, as if the episode is asking what we’re going to do. EXTRA NOTES: - nate not getting on the bus and instead only standing outside hopefully implies that he won’t be taking his fathers place yet. - the fact that nate nearly dies in the car crash with brenda in 1x13 shows that not only was nate given an opportunity to understand that he needs to live his life, but he was also given an opportunity to live PERIOD. - this finale and my interpretation of it makes his character in season one much more interesting and layered for me, removing my biggest issue with an already great season. ///////////// there are very few episodes i’ve seen so perfectly express that the greatest horror in life comes from realizing you have wasted it / been living meaninglessly. 4x11 of bojack horseman did it very well, and 4x10 of succession touches on it, but this absolutely does it the best. the awe i felt when this episode faded to white is something i genuinely cannot express. best episode i’ve seen since monster x74, top 20 oat for me. sorry for absolutely DYING i FINALLY got my pc built so i FINALLY get to play doom eternal on keyboard and mouse after 3 controller playthroughs 🙏 also this review took so long i was procrastinating ts i did not want to have to understand this episode i will now start reviewing the shield up to 5x2 muahahahahahaahhahaha ok i’m done w this review i’m so sleepy another shaww classic